I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
