Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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