you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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