Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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