jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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