No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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