You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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