Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
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I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
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Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
His nipple licking is glorious
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