I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
