did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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