Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
