I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
