New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
