saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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