they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
