Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
My feet surprised me
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