sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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