Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
