Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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