hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
