I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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