Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
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I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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