I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
