Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
