You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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