3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
