how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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