im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
this is an emotional support booty call
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
