Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
tell me about the eggs
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
