Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
