they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize
