my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The air was thick with penises
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
