She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
