i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
