I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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