i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
