I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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