I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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