I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
