The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
