thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
