I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
