somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
