I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
