If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
