Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
too bad you live with your parents still
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
