So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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