My cat gives me a boner
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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