Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
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My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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