GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
