Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I wish you could order shots online.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
