I will die if light touches me.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
