update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
