omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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