I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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