So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
