Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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