when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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