You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Found the puke drawer
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
