About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Found your dick twin last night
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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