Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
