Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
There's even glitter on my cock...
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