I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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