my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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